Of all the annual writing contests out there, this one might be our favorite here at the Network: The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, where “WWW means ‘Wretched Writers Welcome.’”
Each year, contestants submit the worst sentences they can write in a variety of genres, from crime to romance to “purple prose.” There was a representative from the Tar Heel state among the winners in 2012; Amy Torchinsky of Greensboro won the “Vile Puns” Category with this stinger:
“Though they were merely strangers on a train, as she looked North by Northwest through the rear window, Marnie knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the trouble with Harry was that he was a psycho—his left and right hand middle fingers (formerly extended in the birds position) were menacingly twisting a rope in the form of a noose; certain of her impending death as surely as she could dial M for Murder, she was overcome by intense vertigo.”
But wait! It gets better. Er…that is, it gets worse.
Here’s the overall winner, penned by Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England:
“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.”
Pa-pow! For a complete list of the winning sentences, click here.